


My Secret Joy

by Mysticmcknight



Series: Doctor Fest [6]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 20:17:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10815969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mysticmcknight/pseuds/Mysticmcknight
Summary: Joe Carrie, second in charge of Engineering, all around nice guy; faithful to his family, never harm a fly, or take what was nothis…has a secret, that if discovered would change a lot of peoples minds about him.





	My Secret Joy

**Author's Note:**

> Note to those who needs to know who dies in this story first-Jump to the note at the end.

A slight heavy set, but still trim man, fair of hair and eyes, storms into his quarters, tossing a data pad across the room, hitting the sofa in the small quarters, made not so tiny since he   
joined it to another one years ago. "I'm going to strangle that bitch!" he growled at the same moment the pad took flight.   
  
He walked over and plopped down on the sofa and covered his face with his hands, the stress fully evident in his movement as a heavy sigh filtered out between his fingers.   
  
"Which one?" a lightly accented voice asked; the tone male and gentle.   
  
Joe Carrie opened his eyes, his hands now gone from his face, and smiled brightly at the beautiful golden skinned young man that walked out of the bed room, wearing only a silk white lovers robe, and handed him a drink. He saw the large doe eyes looking at him with such love and ease; it drained most of the anger right out of him. He took the drink in his right hand, and pulled the young dark haired man into his lap, to be rewarded with a light laugh and a beautiful smile from him as well. "You're a sight for sore eyes," he sighed, taking the moment to drink this man into his soul.   
  
A huge grin crossed the young dark haired man’s face, "Thank you, but you didn't answer my question, which one?"   
  
"Which one what?" Joe asked, all previous thoughts gone at the sight of his treasure, now in his arms.   
  
"Joey, how are we going to have a conversation, if you get lost every time," the young man teased, and tweaked the older man's nose. "Which…woman…are you going to strangle…this time," he chuckled. "B'Elanna or Seven?"   
  
Joe sighed, he knew this was to get him to open up, otherwise he'd let it fester and that never did him any good. He gave a relenting smile, "you're good medicine for me, you know that right,"   
he added as he placed a kiss on sweet firm lips.   
  
"I should be, considering how much…"  
  
"Ah…" he said, as if the young man was going to say something that was a definite no between them; thus bringing the light mood down a bit.   
  
"I'm sorry," the young man said remorsefully, "it was just a joke. I sometimes keep forgetting how sensitive you are to that subject."  
  
"It's all right," Joe said honestly. "Anyway, as to your question, it's B'Elanna this time. She's overridden me `again'. She tells me day in and day out to be more assertive, and every time I   
do, she steps in and overrides my decisions."   
  
"I think you should speak to Chakotay…"  
  
"Why, he'll just be on her side," Joe huffed, his eyes looking far from happy.   
  
"Love, you know that's not true. You tell me `all' the time, how he's the only one who keeps the balance on this ship over the last seven years, why would he stop now? Plus, you tell me how great a guy he is, and from what I've come to learn, he is, and not to mention good looking too," he teases, wiggling his eye brows suggestively.   
  
"And just how would you know that, Julian?" he asked, not taking the teasing manner given but the comment seriously.  
  
Julian rose easily from Joe's lap, his mood still light, but not as before. "Please, don't tell me you're jealous," he smirks as he sashays over to the replicator and starts programming it for food.   
  
Joe gets up and follows the young man, "I'm not jealous, and you know it, but I `am' concerned. I mean, what if…"  
  
"They find out about me?" Julian finished for him as a tray of food appears. He gives a slight sigh, "Joey, love," he said, as he caresses the older man's face lovingly, and then takes the tray to the table; it's a meal for one. "I've been here for seven years, and they've no clue; let's face it, I'm too smart for them, and we both know it. Now eat, I'll go draw you a bath." He kisses him gently and heads off to do just that.   
  
"Julian…"   
  
The tall slim gorgeous young man stops mid way in the door between the bedroom and living room and turns and smile lovingly, "Yes, love?"   
  
"I…I love you."   
  
Julian walks back and straddles the man, who is now sitting down before his meal, "Of course you do, I'm your little love kitten," he jests, and takes Joe's lips with his own, kissing him   
long and hard, leaving no place of his mouth untouched by his own. When he's done, Joe is panting heavily, and Julian is also panting, but far from as heavy as Joe. "Eat, then we'll take a bath together," he stated in a seductive and very loving whisper, before getting up and leaving the room.   
  
Joe watched his lover leave and shook his head, //you are one lucky man,// he mused as he dug into his meal.   
  
*beep*  
  
"Carrie here," he replied to the sound of his com badge.   
  
"Joe, Megan. A few of us are going to Sandrines tonight, want to join us?"   
  
"Sorry, Megan, I…I've got some work to catch up on, perhaps another time."  
  
"Very well," Megan Delaney replied, her disappointment clear as she closed the com channel.   
  
"Why don't you go out later?" Julian asked as he walked back in, the sound of water running in the background.   
  
"Because I'd rather spend time with you," he said absently.   
  
Julian walked behind him and rubbed his shoulders, "No, it's because she likes you and you don't want to get involved with her," he stated softly.   
  
Joe stopped eating, the fork mid way to his face, he gave a crooked smile, "Your too damn smart for your own good, you know that right?"  
  
"Absolutely," Julian grinned ear to ear. "In fact, I'm telling you, why not defunk that EMH program and reboot me in his place. I could show this ship a thing or two."  
  
"Oh no," Joe said as he placed his fork down, his own smile filling his face as he got up and wrapped his arms around Julian’s waist. "Your mine, Julian Bashir, all mine, and I won't share you with anyone. Besides, they'd wonder how it was possible for the EMH to get smarter when he's already supposed to be linked to the computer," he teased.   
  
Just then the chime sounded to his quarters, and Joe found his arms empty, and gave a heavy sigh, and sat down at his meal, "Enter." He thought it might be one of his friends from   
engineering, but was surprised to see it was the Chakotay. "Commander?" he stated as he stopped eating and stood up.   
  
"At ease, Lieutenant," Chakotay smiled, to let Joe know he wasn't in trouble. "Actually, I'm not really here in an official capacity. You see, I…I heard what happened in engineering…again," he stated, hoping Joe would talk to him.   
  
"Again?" Joe asked, feeling puzzled, not knowing what his First officer was talking about. Then seeing Chakotay eye the other chair, "Please have a seat, sir," he offered trying to be friendly.   
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Tea?"  
  
"Please," Chakotay replied, seeing the other man move to the replicator and his puzzled expression. "Her overriding you, after she tells you to make a decision," he said to clear up why he was here. "I was wondering if you wanted to talk to me about it, off the record, before I decide to talk to her on the record."   
  
"I don't understand," he replied handing Chakotay his tea and taking his own seat.   
  
Chakotay sipped his tea, taking note that it was one of his favorites, "Joe, I know B'Elanna, and though she's a good person, I know how she can be. The reason I want to talk to you first, off the record, is so you won't feel any pressure here. But bottom line is I want to know in your opinion, did she really have a good reason to override you? I mean, if she's going to tell her crew to be assertive in making decisions, she can't keep going around challenging them,   
just because it's not hers, especially after all this time."  
  
Joe looked a bit stunned and amazed once again at the First Officer. When he first boarded Voyager seven years ago, he had dreaded it, and now, now he would follow this man into hell and beyond, for Chakotay had proven not only to be a good man, but in touch with his crew…and he no longer saw it as Maquis/Starfleet, just, his crew. //Julian was right again,// he mused quietly, for Chakotay didn't take her side just because, his being here was proof of that.   
  
Joe took a sip of his own drink, and shifted his mind to the question at hand, was what happen to day justified. "Well, to be honest, sir, no, I don't think she needed to override me, mostly   
because, twenty minutes later she gave the same order I did, however, to be fair, last week…she had been right. I didn't take into account the shift rotation when I gave Megan orders to handle the couplings in sector twelve."   
  
Chakotay sat there and took Joe's words to heart, and nodded. Truthfully he knew the truth of the entire matter, he made it his business to know, but he wanted to see what Joe would say, another testimony of his character; he was a good and honest person. "Okay," he replied warmly. "I'll talk to her, and no, I won't mention this conversation," he added in case Joe might be worried about being on the receiving end of a half-Klingon wrath, which had been curbed over the years, but still nerved people.   
  
"Thank you, Commander," Joe replied gratefully, for he didn't need her mad at him over this, and shook Chakotay's hand. Then he took his tea cup as Chakotay was getting ready to leave, when he stopped and stared at something. "Something wrong, Commander?"  
  
"Ah, no, no," Chakotay smiled, as he took a step to a small table where a model plane was being built, from tiny intricate pieces. "I was just admiring you model plane, an early twentieth   
century…B52 or something like that?" he asked unsure.   
  
"Um, something like that," he replied quickly, "Thanks again, Commander for stopping by, I'm glad to know…that you're on top of things as always," he smiled, hoping to draw the man's attention away from the model and leave.   
  
Chakotay sensing he was no longer welcome, for he understood how he made other's feel, drew himself up, gave a pleasant smile and left.   
  
"That was rude," Julian scolded, as he leaned against the door jam, now dressed in tight black slacks and a white turtle neck sweater. "He was just trying to make conversation, plus, who knows, if you won't go for Megan, because she a woman, and I know, I know, the wife and other things…perhaps a man, and he'd be number one…after you, on my list." he grinned impishly.  
  
Joe knew the scolding and comment was not meant to be serious, but he was still upset about what just happened here a moment ago. "Stow it! What if he gets suspicious?"  
  
"About what? A model plane?"   
  
"One in which I know nothing about? Damn it, Julian, did you have to leave it out here?"   
  
"Where was I going to put it? It won't vanish when I do, its `real'. Plus, you said you didn't want my little toys in the bedroom. Come on, Joey, I get board," he whined with a little pout to his lips. "You won't let me slip out and mingle on the holodeck anymore…"  
  
"That's because Paris was hitting on you and if I recall, you were letting him," Joe snapped back, but not as harsh as it could have been seeing the pout.   
  
"He thought I was one of the programs holo-patrons, and since he has them all programmed to flirt with him, what was I suppose to do, you said, and I quote, Julian, I'll let you mingle in the public programs so long as you mesh with the other holo characters, end quote, that's what I did. Only to get punished for it and confined here," he states, waving his arms outward.   
  
"What's wrong with here?" Joe asks in a defensive tone.   
  
Julian seeing Joe was going to get upset again, since he was so sensitive and also a tad guilty about his situation, he switched gears. He moved in close to the older man and hugged him, "Nothing is wrong with here," he said soothingly, "I was just saying that…I get board. Sometimes work has you gone most of the day, and during a crisis, you're gone for days…"   
  
Joe relented his posturing, and hugged his young man back tightly, "I'm sorry, kitten. It's…well, I just forget how…real you are at time, because it's…" he just buried his head in the taller man's shoulder and let those thoughts pass, with a sigh.   
  
//Easer to deal with me,// Julian thought as he hugged Joe even tighter, rubbing his back, letting him off the hook from his grief. Joe wanted real and he got real, the problem was, he paid for   
it, not only in latinum but in guilt. "You're a good man, Joe, don't you forget that. Plus you're the man I love, and before you even try to protest, you know I've outgrew my own subroutines long before that quack in sickbay, so I don't have to love anyone, but I do love you, and I'm grateful to you too," he added with a loving kiss.   
  
"For what?"   
  
"For my existence," Julian replied, and then silenced Joe with a deep soul searing kiss. "I believe there is a nice hot bath waiting for us," he purred, as he took Joe's hand and started pulling him to the bed room.   
  
It didn't take long before Julian had Joe stripped off all his own clothes, and his own, for he knew Joe enjoyed undressing him, and both men were relaxing in the tub. Julian had Joe sitting in his arms, as he washed his chest, letting his finger move lazily over his nipples.   
  
"Mmm," Joe muttered, as skilled fingers caressed his skin and his chest. "That feels good," he moaned softly.   
  
"Does it?" Julian questioned in an equally soft playful voice. "As good as this?" he asked, then let his hand stray down, under the water in between strong thighs and grasped hold of a semi-  
hard erection and squeezed it firmly, but lightly, for he knew just how to please his man.   
  
"Oh…Kitten," he gasped at the touch, though he never opened his eyes as he remained laying in strong lanky arms that held him so lovingly. "Oh yes, you know what I like."   
  
Julian's other hand came up and cupping warm water on Joe's hair, as he caressed the damp locks, "Yes, I `do' know what you like," Julian purred, placing a soft kiss on his temple, as his hand started stroking the hardening cock, letting his fingers press and pull on the hot flesh like playing an instrument, the sound of Joe's moans of pleasure the sweet music of his skill.   
  
The older man was not an over boisterous lover, but his moans and gasps that filled the air, encouraged Julian to further his actions, watching his lover's face, flush with desire, his lips   
parting for breath, as well to release the soft cries that fled him in response to his cock being fisted. It wasn't long before his eyes was squeezing tight, and his body arching into Julian's hand as his young lover's sexy voice called for him to come for him; he had no choice but to obey and with a cry of delight, barely audible, he shot his seed into his love's hand and then crumpled into his arms. "Oh, Kitten, that was…incredible," he yawned, the day's exhaustions over taking him. "Incredible," he muttered as his body drifted into the lull of sleep, brought on by the sexual release, the warm water and even warmer body holding him.   
  
"Ah, my sweet one, it was incredible," Julian replied in a hushed voice, a hint of disappointment but with a loving and forgiving tone, as he kissed him on top of his head. He shifted so Joe's head was resting on the back of the tub, and then blinked out and when he returned seconds later he was dressed in sleep shorts and next to the tub. He let out the water in the tub and got a large towel and placed it over Joe as he lifted him up in his arms with ease and carried him to their bed. He placed him down, the covers already turned down, and gently dried him, and got him settled. He then tucked him in and turned off the lights.   
  
Being a hologram, he didn't need sleep, but knew Joe liked waking up with him in the morning, so he would be there when he did so, but that was hours from now, not that he didn't indulge in   
cuddling with the man, he liked that too when he just wanted to think about things; but right now he wasn't up to it, so he moved into the living room and got Joe's data pad and sat on the couch, going over it, making suggestions and comments over their latest project in engineering. Then when he was done, he did a system check on the emitters in the room, and as Joe had showed him, to make sure the power line that supplied this room illegally, was still undetected.   
Joe said that, if they discovered him, they'd shut him down permanently. At first he was sure that was the case, but having seen how the EMH got treated he wondered, but never pushed it, for unlike the EMH, he was not here in any official capacity, he was Joe's property…simple as that, plus he was illegally made. The Federation had very strict laws about that. The fact that he `was' smarter than the EMH and had developed like him, and in his opinion beyond him,   
probably wouldn't matter in the long run, nor some of the other things he had done to help, so he kept up the nightly routine just as he had done for the last seven years.   
  
***********  
  
He was angry, that was the one sure emotion he felt, the rest were a mix of grief and other sorrows, that a meaningless death always had on him, not that he welcomed anyone's death, but Joe's…there was no reason for him to die. The son-of-a bitch just wanted to make a foolish point and try and intimidate Voyager. In the end, the bastard died too, but it didn't bring Joe back, nor did it ease the pain of his loss.   
  
He stood silent as Janeway spoke the Eulogy, as every member of the crew that did not absolutely had to work was here; for them it was broadcasted…  
  
"Joe was a good man, a caring man, and a dedicated family man," Kathryn stated, feeling her words weak in describing the man she knew all these years. "He always did his duty, loyal to a fault, and outside of duty, he would never harm a fly. He was a hard honest worker, and a good friend, he will be missed," she said, wrapping the funeral up, everyone else having already been given a chance to speak.

 

With a nod, music filled the air, and as taps played the silver sealed coffin, the Federation seal upon it, moved slowly toward the lunching area where as per tradition, the body would be   
sent into space, to the nearest sun.   
  
When the act was done, the room became silent, the music gone, and everyone simply stared at the empty space between them and the wall the coffin had passed through moments ago.   
  
"Crew dismissed," Chakotay stated as evenly as he could. He watched as the crew slowly drifted outward and moved next to Kathryn. "I know this is a bad time, but has anyone said they would pack Joe's thing?"   
  
"Megan has, but I told her to let it wait for awhile, she's…taken it rather hard. I think…" Kathryn halted her words, her own emotions raw from the loss, and she needed to gather her thoughts, "I think she was in love with him."  
  
"I would agree," Chakotay replied easily, giving her a half smile. "And your right, I don't think she's up to it right now either, besides there's no rush," he added softly.   
  
Janeway sighed sadly, "No, no rush." She was about to leave herself when she stopped, remembering the pad in her hand, "I almost forgot," she said handing him the pad. "I went over his last letter as is procedure, and besides asking for a traditional funeral, and his belongings to go to his family, he asked that this letter be given to you."  
  
"Me?" Chakotay asked surprised, for though he knew Joe, they were not close, sadly outside of Kathryn, he wasn't close to anyone anymore, the downside of rank. "Why me?"  
  
"He didn't say, only that he wanted you to have it right after his funeral, nothing more," she shrugged. "I'll see you on the bridge later," and with that she patted him on the arm and left,   
leaving him alone, the room empty now.   
  
Not sure what to expect from the letter, Chakotay went back to his office and got himself a cup of tea and sat on the sofa, making himself comfortable and opened it…  
  
_Dear Commander Chakotay,_ _  
  
I'm sure you're wondering why I'm writing you, now that I'm dead, but the truth is, you're the only one on board I can entrust with my secret. A secret that I've had for years and means a great deal to me that it not be left to die with me. But perhaps I should explain a few things. First being, I am not the sweet innocent guy I know everyone has made me out to be. Sure, I'm no criminal per say but I'm no saint either.   
  
You see, even though I am married, wife and kids, it didn't come about in the `normal' way, meaning, it was an accident and I did the right thing by her, or so I had thought. Don't get me wrong, I cared for Karen, and I love my children, but, the fact was, that had she not become pregnant, I would have never been with another woman again. She was an experiment, for I was going through a difficult time trying to understand my sexuality, and unknowingly she got   
caught in the middle of it. With this said, let me say that to my credit, I was never with another woman, but to my shame, I did…have male lovers from time to time. Fact is, she never knew or at least she never said anything.   
  
Of course you're probably wondering why is any of this relevant to you, but be patient, for I will make myself clear. You see, I was raised a bit like you, in that I made a commitment to her and did my best, and after our second son was born, I did try to forgo everyone else, and for some time I was quite successful, that is, until I got stationed at Deep Space Nine, six months before being reassigned, by choice, to Voyager.   
  
I worked with Chief Miles O'Brien as one of his assistants and would have been quite happy staying there; that is until I met him. Oh, Commander, I hope I don't offend you here, but, I must tell you, I had never seen true beauty until I laid eyes on him. He was tall, slender, vibrant, a living David of old, an Angel, and when he spoke; his accented voice played the strings of my heart like a master pianist. _

_  
He was also smart, fresh from the academy and Chief Medical Officer, DS9 being his first assignment. We talked and I got to know him, Doctor Julian Bashir, was his name, and as I got to know him well; I knew, I just knew that he was the one, for I fell in love with him the very  
first day over nothing more than a fifteen minute conversation. What more, I know he liked me too, that is, until Miles mentioned my wife, and that, as they say was that. I couldn't fault him for having morals, now could I? Angels don't fall from grace, not easily, and I would not want to be the cause of one either.    
  
But this did not stop the building desire I had for him or the obsession I was feeling, so, I did something illegal. To make a long story short, I paid a small fortune, and I mean it, several hundred in latinum…bars not strips, the savings for our house, to have him…to always have him…  
_  
Chakotay arched his brow, long since stopped drinking his tea as he read the letter, almost dropping it at this point. He placed it down and sat up straighter and continued reading…  
  
_Lower your brow, I didn't kidnap him..._ _  
_  
Chakotay snorted, seeing Joe had predicted his reaction to his letter at this point.   
  
_No, in a way I did worse. If you go to my cabin and call out the following code, Carrie Chakotay Alpha Beta Omega, I think you'll understand a lot more than I could ever put into words. I don't know what you'll do, but, I'm hoping, I'm hoping that you'll see why I've done what I did and why I'm asking you to protect my secret joy for the last seven years; it deserves better than I ever gave, much less to be lost simply because I was no longer around._ _  
  
Joe   
Carrie.   
_  
  
Chakotay feeling a bit stunned by the letter and unsure if what he believed Joe was talking about was true or not, he did the only thing he could think of, he got up and headed out to Joe's cabin.   
  
Once there, he placed in his command code that would let him in and entered inside. Just like before when he was there with Kathryn, the place was neat and orderly, but as he looked around he noticed that things had been moved, small things were missing. A part of him started to feel angry that someone would come in here and take them, but he would deal with that later. He looked at the pad again and called out the code and waited…nothing. He called out again,   
still nothing. He looked around, puzzled, for it wasn't like Joe to play jokes, so he moved to the sofa, scratching his head, trying to make sense of his letter.   
  
"He's not coming back is he?"   
  
Chakotay jumped to his feet at the unexpected voice. He turned to see the only man to be able to give Tom Paris a run for his money, and probably win, standing in the arch way between the bedroom and living room, dressed in black jeans and a white button down shirt, the look of pent up grief in his large doe like eyes. //Damn, he's gorgeous!// was Chakotay's first reaction, his second, "Who…who are you?"   
  
The young man moved forward to lean against the small dinner table across from the sofa where Chakotay stood. "You have the pad, the code, I'm sure you know who or I should say what I am," he replied as evenly as he could, though the pain of loss was there along with the fear of unknowing of ones future.   
  
"You're…a…"  
  
"Hologram," Julian finished for him, seeing the Commander try and fathom everything. "I'm Joe's hologram, have been for the last seven years, and I guess," he said, trying to keep his voice light, though his eyes were struggling not to shed tears, "I'm now yours…or no ones," he said, the meaning that he was quite aware of being terminated was possible.   
  
Chakotay gaped at him like a fish for a few minutes, and then snapped out of it. "You're a hologram of Doctor Julian Bashir, of DS9," he stated for clarification.   
  
"Well, of Julian Bashir, though I do have all his medial knowledge, I haven't exactly been in practice over the last seven years," he smirked, giving a little secret smile, knowing that from   
time to time he did slip in and alter himself to be the EMH just so he could be around people, knowing full well it would lead to the pesky Doc to have a systems overhaul for not recalling treating anyone.  
  
"How?" Chakotay asked next, seeing clearer than before. Julian was aware, just like the Doc, aware of time, aware of Joe's death, and there was great intelligence in his eyes; had Chakotay not have dealt with the Doc over the years he would have over looked it, but having done so, he saw it, Julian was sentient and self sufficient.   
  
Julian, wiped a tear from his face, for now was not the time to cry and grieve his loss, Joe had offered him a chance here, he wouldn't blow it, if he could help it. Plus he knew Chakotay, having watched him along with the others over the years; he was a good man and like his Joey, deserved the truth. "This cabin is wired separately, with full holo emitters, giving me full access. It also has its own power source, and yes, he knew it was wrong and suffered for it, but couldn't bear not having me, I was…his sanity. Though I can tell you, during the few times where even the little power I use, and yes, I use a lot less that your quack does, when he knew it would make a difference, he did deactivate me, otherwise he kept me running just like your EMH. Over the years, I had access to the same parts of the ship as your EMH and the computer, and like him, well," Julian smiled, "better than him, I've grown in my programming, but…" he   
sighed, as he thought of his love.   
  
"But what?"   
  
"But my Joey, didn't like to share, and he was afraid you'd terminate me if you knew, so kept me a secret all these years. I guess now that he's gone, what happens to me is up to you," Julian   
shrugged.   
  
Chakotay was blown out of the water by this, and simply stood there until he plopped down on the sofa via gravity.   
  
"Tea?"   
  
Chakotay looked up to see Julian had tea for him and accepted it gratefully, "thank you," he said, then tried to gather his thoughts. "What exactly did you…"  
  
Julian laughed, "Commander, I'm sure you know what Joe did with me," he grinned as he sat on the arm of the sofa.   
  
Chakotay blushed, "That was not what I was going to ask. I was going to ask what did you do with yourself when Joe was not around all these years."   
  
"Lot's of little things. As I said, I have full access to the computer, so I tapped into doing a few hobbies, like making model planes," he said moving to the shelf across from them, where a half   
dozen lined it, along with a few carvings and a sculpture of a man hugging another man in the center of it. "I was allowed to mix in public programs for a while, until Joe got jealous…"  
  
"Jealous?"   
  
Julian's eyes looked distant for a moment, then turned to face Chakotay, "My Joey was a very jealous man, and one time Tom Paris was hitting on me, and Joe saw me flirt back, I mean, what was I to do? He programmed all the holo characters to do it, and Joe said I was to fit in…"  
  
"I knew it!" Chakotay chuckled, at having his suspicions of the young blond proven. Then he recalled what they were talking about, "Sorry," he smiled.   
  
"No need, but as I said, he got jealous, and so told me I couldn't do that anymore. So, I do what I can to keep busy, sometimes I'd do his reports for him, sometimes, I'd do all their reports…"  
  
"All?"  
  
"Oh, don't think I overstepped…too much. I just filled in the ones that were always getting overlooked. I never falsified information. I always took care to make sure they were accurate; sort of my way to help the ship that was…helping me as it were. I just...wanted to help."   
  
Chakotay was beside himself with awe. Here was Joe Carrie the man everyone assumed was shy, reserved and totally above board, and all this time it was because he didn't want anyone to know how he really spent his time and how he managed to do it. Plus, Joe was right, had he not come here and spoke with Julian, he would have not given it a second thought to terminating it…//Joe called him it…why?// he thought, his view of the Joe suddenly dropping for Julian   
was no it. Sure he was a hologram but `he' was still a `he' in all sense of the word.   
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"I…ah…"   
  
Julian moved and sat down next to Chakotay, "You can tell me, it's not like I'm going to tell anyone or post in on the message net, at least not right away," he teased.   
  
Chakotay didn't want to hurt Julian's feelings, and it was then that he realized that he had feelings to hurt, that made this situation so…mind blowing. Not knowing how to say it he gave Julian the letter and let him read it. When he was done, he saw the young man's face pull taut, tears wanting to shed there, but did not fall as they looked at him, still questioning him.   
  
"It's true, he paid handsomely for me," Julian then stated softly, thinking that was the matter.   
  
"No, I was wondering why he referred to you as…"  
  
"It?"   
  
Seeing Chakotay nod, Julian let out a breath, not that it was real, but he acted that way. "You see, Joe really was a good man, and he felt guilty about how he kept me going for his own use, plus, he saw how I grew and became my own person," he laughed at this before continuing. "Then he felt even guiltier. He became so intertwined with me, I swore he was going to propose, and that would only make matters worse for him. So, I pushed the fact that I wasn't real in his face as often as I could, simply in hopes to get him to get out and meet real people. To a degree it worked, plus, I knew he had to make a mental division of what was real and what was not in order to handle the guilt, and I encouraged it. It would have hurt him too much if he thought of me as `he' rather than it, and even then it hurt, for I know he loved me, Commander, and as I told him, programming be damned, I loved him for him because of it. He wasn't as strong as people thought he was, he needed me; he couldn't bear to think he was hurting someone he loved, so, as long as he thought to some degree that I could not be harmed since I'm not real, it helped, and that was just the way it was. Don't think for one second he didn't care for me or take care of me, he did that and more. He never harmed me or abused me, the only thing he did that I cannot fault him for was create me."   
  
Once more Chakotay was blown away, for had he not known Julian was a hologram he would have never guessed. He sat quietly for a moment, contemplating all he heard, "Now what?" he asked.   
  
Julian gave a small shrug, "I guess that depends on you, for Joe gave me to you, that's why you're here. He told me that he would make arrangements for someone to claim me in hopes to keep me going, I guess that someone is you. For I'm sure his family won't want me, do you?"   
  
Chakotay snorts, "No, I don't. But…" he couldn't think of this young vibrant being as property, he couldn't think of the Doc that way, he defiantly couldn't think of Julian that way either. "Your not property," he finally stated.   
  
"No? Well, I'm not a part of the crew, and do you really think the Captain will keep me running? I mean, I may use less energy, but still, two Holograms?"   
  
"Why not," Chakotay replied, assured that this could be the case.   
  
Julian sat there and nodded, he knew where Chakotay was coming from, he believed in Janeway, and deep down, so did Julian. "Okay, say your right, how does she explain my existence to the crew? You really think she or you want to tell them that the squeaky clean boy next door, Mr. Honest as the day was long, was far from it? That he was not so clean in that he made an `illegal' hologram and kept it running by siphoning off power and using extra parts to build holo emitters?"   
  
Reality hit Chakotay, "No, I suppose not," he replied, his certainty now deflated. "I also forgot there for a moment, that you were…"  
  
"Illegally made…I know, I could tell," Julian smiled gently as he stood up and paced a few steps. "The EMH may be a recreation of someone real, but that was approved, I am not, and I don't think Janeway will either, though I do believe she would give it serious thought, but in the end…"  
  
"She'd follow regulations," Chakotay stated, feeling more defeated by the moment.   
  
Julian, seeing how upset this was making the first officer, retook his seat, this time moving up behind him slightly and started rubbing his shoulders.   
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Relaxing you,"   
  
"You don't have…"  
  
"Your right, I don't have to do anything, but I want to. Besides, I don't see any real options either, so I was hoping that perhaps…"   
  
Chakotay turned to face the beautiful young man, "Perhaps what?"   
  
"One last night of feeling real, before it's all gone," he said gently, his eyes showing just as much pain, grief, need and fear like anyone else; wanting the same confirmation as others might to feel alive after losing someone to death or faced with their own.   
  
Chakotay reached up and caressed the soft golden skin, his eyes lost in the glistening ones staring back at him, and at that moment, he too understood Joe Carrie, for he too felt it…just a few minutes with him and he was lost. He leaned in and took gently of the sweet lips being offered him, and felt the young man offer to pleasure him, but Chakotay had never worked that way, his pleasure had always been in giving it, and so gave of himself as he gently let the kiss deepen, slowly pressing the young man back into the sofa, his hands gently touching, caressing him everywhere.   
  
Slowly he undressed Julian, placing hot moist kisses where he found flesh as he went, reveling in the sweet sounds Julian made as he moved down his firm tight muscular body. Once he had the beautiful man naked, he stopped and looked to see a flushed aroused face staring back at him, his skin glistening as if he was sweating; for Chakotay didn't see a hologram, but a precious soul that he wanted to love very much.   
  
Julian reached for his uniform, but Chakotay gently stopped him. "Let me take care of you," Julian whispered, in hopes to be able to continue.   
  
"No, let me take care of you," Chakotay replied lovingly.   
  
Julian was touched by Chakotay's tenderness, "Then take me as an equal partner," he replied in a husky needy voice.   
  
Chakotay took a moment to process the words and nodded, letting Julian remove his clothes, then embraced the young man in another fiery kiss, their bodies aligning as Chakotay pressed his body along Julian's, the heat off his another nuance that made Julian special and feel all so real.   
  
They laid there kissing and rocking their bodies when Julian broke the kiss, panting heavily, "Tay," he panted out.   
  
"What baby?"   
  
"I…I should let you know…"  
  
"Know what?" Chakotay asked, though it was becoming very difficult to think, his body was on fire and as Julian kept pressing up into him, he soon wouldn't be thinking at all.   
  
"Joe had me made to be very real," he sputtered out, as a moan of pleasure pushed its way out, for Chakotay was not only rubbing his hot cock against his own, but his hand was now under his butt, a finger finding his pucker.   
  
"Your real, baby, very real," Chakotay growled, for he was loosing brain cells by the second, as his body blazed with desire.   
  
"I mean, Ahh…I mean, I have a short fuse as well as a long one…just like…oh Tay yes!" he cried as Chakotay now had two fingers in him.   
  
"Does that mean you're going to come soon, baby?" he asked, his eyes as black as the ones looking up at him. Seeing Julian nod yes, he removed his hand from below, hearing a whimper at the loss, and gathered up his pre-cum and used it as lubrication, for not one second did he think not too or that Julian didn't need it. When he believed Julian ready he pressed into him, slowly, "How does that feel?" he asked, his voice low and husky as he pushed in deeper.   
  
"Oh, Tay, more, more, love me, Tay, love me," Julian cried out, for he was made to feel real and react so, and Chakotay was hitting all the right spots to fire up his program like no other, and the tenderness and concern Chakotay used, as if he was real, compounded all these feelings running through him.   
  
Chakotay looked at Julian and believed him the most magnificent sight ever and felt the last bit of sanity leave him as he continued to press in the tight passage, moving faster, harder,   
kissing swollen and lightly bruised lips, that needed more kissing because of it, his free hand playing with hard nipples, all of it, firing his nerves into overload. He felt the fire in his belly and moved his free hand to the hard thick cock of his lover and pumped it in time with his own, and feeling the hot seed of his lover cover his hand as his cries of pleasure filled his ears, and his muscles squeeze around his own cock, sent him over the edge and beyond.   
  
Chakotay lay there panting, but he didn't want to crush his lover and tried to move, but firm slim fingers pressed on his back, "Don't move, its okay, I want you to stay," assured the sweet   
voice of his angle.   
  
"Are you sure," he asked with concern.   
  
"Very."  
  
So, Chakotay lay still, snuggling against the slick warm body beneath him, his eyes falling heavy with sleep, for it had been so long since he had been with anyone. "That was incredible, baby," he whispered as sleep finally took him away.   
  
Julian looked up, and was so moved by Chakotay's love and concern for him. He had treated him real, much like Joe had wanted to. He then decided not to compare the two men; it was unfair to both of them and moved forward with his thoughts. He caressed Chakotay's hair, "Your right, it was incredible," he whispered, knowing that at least he was loved one last time, before…whatever awaited him. If he never opened his eyes again, he knew he could not have any regrets.   
  
  
************  
  
Janeway stood there looking as old as she felt, her hair almost all grey; her eyes dull with time, especially from the sorrows that she had witnessed over the years, this being among the worst of them. She had just given the Eulogy for her best friend ever, a man that served by her side for ten years as her First Officer, and then stood by her side as her closest confidant for another ten when they had reached home. She remained fleet and he became the foremost leader in the DMZ or now known as the Dorvanian sector; Chakotay would be missed by many, especially her and the not so young man that stood by her as the formalities had ended, the ritual fires started, and the smoke filled the air in the distance.   
  
Most who still survived after Voyager's return had been there and paid their respects before moving on, as did many other officials. The only two left as the sun started to raise high in the   
sky, for the fire by tradition was set at sunrise, was Janeway and Tom Paris.   
  
"He was a good man," Tom said, knowing his words had been stated a million times by others, but it was the only thing that came to mind. "I only wish he'd found someone after all this time, to be alone…"  
  
Kathryn gave him a knowing smile, "I know, I do to, but…he didn't," she stated evenly, a bit of remorse of what ifs from long ago. "But he was happy, Tom. I saw that back in the Delta. He…found himself and became content then happy with his life, there is no denying that. I must admit, I envied him his joy, wondering what secrete he found that made it possible for him and not me." She gave a tiny sigh of remorse, and then she turned to Tom, "Did you see B'Elanna?"  
  
"I talked to her briefly, her and her new husband both were here," he said a bit bitterly.   
  
"I'm sorry it didn't work out, Tom. But at least you have a daughter, and you're not that old, there's still time," she grinned, and then sighed, seeing it was a sore subject for him. She decided to change the subject, "Ah, in his last letter, he asked me to give this to you, said to do so right after the funeral, and no, I don't know why," she said, seeing the question coming. "I'll see you at breakfast at the hotel before I head out?"   
  
Tom gave a nod to the Admiral, himself now a civilian of his own choosing, and took the pad, and stood there silently. He then moved to sit under the tree where the marker was that held Chakotay's name, and soon his ashes, and opened the letter.   
  
_Dear Tom,_ _  
  
I'm sure you're wondering why I'm writing you after all this time, but over the years we've been friends, even if we have not been overly close, but I know in my heart that I can trust you…or should I say entrust you, to care for my most precious treasure, my life and   
my secret joy…_  
  
  
<The END>

**Author's Note:**

> Spoiler: Joe Carrie dies a cannon Death, Chakotay dies of old age (as that happens).
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the story.


End file.
